How I Wrestle Confused, Anxious, and Irrational Thoughts

Every day I face challenges with distorted thinking as a woman with schizoaffective disorder. For about fifteen years I was helpless, a victim of delusions and paranoia with no way to think rationally. I was committed to psychiatric wards again and again because even though I was prescribed Zyprexa, I took almost none. Why not? Because well-meaning Christians insisted that I did not have a mental illness, that it was just spiritual oppression and I just needed deliverance. Gullibly I decided if I was not really mentally ill, I didn’t need my medication; I only needed to trust in God and He would deliver my mind. My mind always returned to soundness after a couple of weeks on medication, but upon release, I refused my medication and would be right back where I started.

Eventually, I learned more about schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. I discovered that Christians were generally ignorant about the illnesses and did not know that there was much more to our mind’s symptoms than just a spiritual component. There is an emotional component and a physical component too. Many schizophrenics and schizoaffective have experienced extreme traumas that resulted in physical damage to their brain, in the form of a shattered mind, characterized by hearing voices, hallucinations, and delusional thinking. There are other causes too, but this was the cause of mine.

After a fight with my parents, they demanded I resume taking medication or they would throw me out. My episodes of craziness from the fact that I was helpless, a victim of delusions and paranoia and acting out were too much for them to bear. I found a new psychiatrist and he started me on Invega. My mind became more stabilized, but there were still episodes of paranoia, madness, and an inability to concentrate. The voices disappeared. I knew I had to fight back. I knew God wanted me to wrestle until this illness no longer had the upper hand.

Fighting Back

As I attempted to complete my chores, these episodes of psychosis were overpowering. I needed a distraction to focus on to keep my attention off those thoughts. So, I turned on Christian TV shows and as I worked, I listened to the teachings and even took notes. Now I can finish my tasks without distracting thoughts being able to hinder me.

Proverbs 16:3 Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.

Passivity is most dangerous to a schizophrenic or schizoaffective mind. When we are idle, we are prone to disturbing images, voices, and thoughts. It’s the same with our minds. When our minds are not focused on a specific conscious awareness of something, they often slip from rational to irrational. Sometimes I put on worship music and sing praises to the Lord as I do housework. This also helps as long as the music is pure, holy, and anointed, and doesn’t resemble the worldly rocky music of Satan’s kingdom.

Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

Nature walks do wonders for my mind. When my thoughts are all discombobulated and I am having anxiety attacks and cannot function well, I escape to a nature preserve and breathe in the fresh air, feast my eyes on the gorgeous scenery, and pour out my soul to God as I walk the trail. My panicked breathing returns to normal and serenity floods my mind. I can then return to my house tasks and priorities with renewed vigor and restored mental stability.

The Support of Believers is Healing

Being alone each day, my mind runs rampant with irrational thoughts. They crowd out my consciousness, so to find relief I visit with my friends, family, and Christian Bible studies and support groups. In the presence of others who care about me my mind stabilizes.

Proverbs 27:17  Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

When mental instability seizes me and I collapse under the weight of tormenting ruminations, I may cry out to God for relief. But that’s when God tells me that I need to reach out to others for assistance. So, I make desperate prayer requests to the believers in the body of Christ and then I watch God work to restore my mind to soundness. It doesn’t happen immediately, but He does heal my fearful thinking and re-establishes a calm balance in my mind through their intercessory prayers.

Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.