Paranoia Struggles

I have paranoid thoughts. This is common with schizophrenics and schizoaffective people. It’s a painful experience because deep inside I know that my thoughts are disturbed, but I cannot change these paranoia struggles easily.

Paranoid thinking feels like reality. I can’t shake the feeling that when two or more people are whispering or laughing together, they are making fun of me. I feel self-conscious and want to duck somewhere and hide. Humiliation stings and robs me of self-confidence.

Isaiah 8: 12-13 Say ye not, A confederacy, to all them to whom this people shall say, A confederacy; neither fear ye their fear, nor be afraid.  Sanctify the Lord of hosts himself; and let him be your fear, and let him be your dread.

Every snicker from the newscasters hurts when I watch the news at night. Why is everyone laughing at me? I become upset and leave the room. When my mother and sister talk in hushed whispers, I try to hold my head up but inside I’m screaming. Why should I talk to them if they can’t say anything nice?

As I shop for groceries or other needed items, I think out loud because it is hard to process my thoughts silently. My brain is blank from my medication. People stare. The sensitive wound I carry from their intimidating gazes gets deeper.  More paranoia struggles.

Self-Consciousness Isn’t Easy to Shut Out

As I sit in church, I try to think in my head with conscious effort, but I feel as if my thoughts are being broadcast to some mind readers. I want to close my eyes and shut out the embarrassment that fills my mind with anxiety.

Psalm 94:19 In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.

As I walk in the door to my house at night, I worry someone has been in my house and taken things. Throughout the week I search diligently for missing items, and rage fills me as I accuse the neighborhood derelicts of taking them. Often, I suddenly find the item, and sheepishly realize I had just misplaced it and forgot where I put it.

Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee.

I cannot escape the suspicion that I’m being watched…24 hours a day. I can’t find the cameras. Is it just paranoia struggles or reality? It feels real.

Every time I eat or drink leftover food or previously half-drunk drinks, I practically hold my breath, nervous about what could be placed in it from enemies who are trying to hurt me. What if harm comes to me? Fear makes me want to throw them away, but I swallow my fear and proceed to ingest them anyway. I say a little prayer for sanctification over them before consuming them, just to be safe. Once I heard about a man who prayed that and survived poisoned food.

I Should Be Able to Think Rationally…But Can’t

Every box, bottle, jar, can, bag or package that looks tampered with terrorizes me. I deliberate whether it is safe to eat or open. Was it just an accident, or sabotage?

The key in all these instances is the need to feel safe and secure, without any threats to my peace or health.

Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.

 So how does God help me? He continuously stresses that He is watching over me and that I do not face any of these instances alone. Our Creator knows all about my paranoia, and He cares. He reminds me that He is greater than all my fears, and any threat of harm He can protect and deliver me from or out of.  I have experienced Him coming to my rescue at times when I was afraid and helpless to defend myself, after calling upon Him when desperate. He reached down and stabilized me and healed me.

I call upon the name of Jesus whenever I face a situation that makes me anxious to the point of mental collapse. Sometimes just crying out his name and asking His help is all I need. He is so faithful to deliver me. One time He delivered me from three men who looked like they wanted to rape, abduct, or murder me. He sent a tough neighbor who forced them to leave, and I escaped, unharmed.

God is Supportive

Lamentations 3:56-64

56: Thou hast heard my voice: hide not thine ear at my breathing, at my cry.

57: Thou drewest near in the day that I called upon thee: thou saidst, Fear not.

58: O Lord, thou hast pleaded the causes of my soul; thou hast redeemed my life.

59: O Lord, thou hast seen my wrong: judge thou my cause.

60: Thou hast seen all their vengeance and all their imaginations against me.

61: Thou hast heard their reproach, O Lord, and all their imaginations against me;

62:  The lips of those that rose up against me, and their device against me all the day.

63:  Behold their sitting down, and their rising up; I am their musick.

64: Render unto them a recompence, O Lord, according to the work of their hands.

Although I struggle with paranoia, God is there for me. I am safe because He is so vigilant and quick to respond to my cries of distress or fearfulness. No one loves you like God loves you. If you need Him, don’t be afraid to cry out to Him, even for trivial fears like paranoia. It says in Psalm 34:15:

The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.