When Depression Hurts

Depression hits everyone at some point. I never thought it would strike. Depression is rare for me; it hits once in a while for a day and then I’m back to feeling good. I don’t usually feel overwhelmingly happy, but I feel generally content with my life and always look forward to what God wants to do and what blessings He will send. Depression hurts.

Nehemiah 2:2 Wherefore the king said unto me, Why is thy countenance sad, seeing thou art not sick? this is nothing else but sorrow of heart. 

This winter, for three months, depression struck. I had been having trouble in my relationships, and some critical words were spoken that burned like acid in a cut. Slowly, my contentedness began to dry up and all I wanted to do was nothing…absolutely nothing.  I tried watching TV like I normally do, but the TV held no sway, and the words just seemed so far away, as if in another world. I tried eating my favorite snacks, Asian noodles, to cheer me up, but I lost they held no appeal. My appetite dried up. I sat there, zoned out, wanting to crawl into a singularity and hide, disappear.

My friend called me lazy, saying I wasn’t doing my part to upkeep my home. How could I explain to her that it wasn’t laziness; it was just a severe bout of depression? My house looked like a tornado had gone through it; everything was everywhere piled up and thrown haphazardly around and all over the floor. Walking through it was like going through an obstacle course; you had to be careful not to trip and fall.

Proverbs 15:13 A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.

Hurtful Words Made My Enthusiasm Dry Up

The hurt bore deep inside of me, and resentment filled my heart. Sadness permeated my soul like the coldness of winter; depression hurts. I stopped doing my normal activities and wasted day after day getting nothing accomplished. I wanted to cry but my tears were dried up. Then, when I began to feel a little better, I had a complete meltdown, the dam broke, and my tears gushed out in deep sobs to the Father.

I began to spend more and more time away from home, going to the beach, the nature preserves, church, bible study groups, out with friends to Christian gatherings, and even at my mom’s. I sought to escape from the chaotic environment that kept contributing to my despondency. Depression hurts so much that it is unwise to not take action to alleviate it.

I also went on ordering and shopping frenzies, buying myself many needless but fun items to cheer up my sadness. It felt great to shop in thrift stores and buy shirts and sweaters. Even going to the department store to purchase items I could use around the house helped to alleviate my sadness temporarily.

I tried to make myself feel better. One thing I tried was sitting in the massage chair at the local mall for fifteen minutes, which calmed my anxiety and soothed my nerves. I also treated myself to Chinese and Japanese food, which I always crave. I ordered some smoothies, savoring the taste of strawberries and sherbert mixed. Gorging on tons of sweets, I wanted those feel-good chemicals to pick up my disposition. How could I heal myself? Depression hurts.

Psalm 42:11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

I Found My Solace in God

God knew what I was going through; He was there for me when I wanted to give up inside. I prayed and sought God for hours at a time or talked to Him intermittently throughout my days and felt close to Him.  I told Him how the depression hurt; I poured out my soul, detailing all the criticisms I experienced and how those cruel words made activities and normal foods seem unappealing and made me feel despondent. When He spoke, I rebelled and did the opposite of what He wanted me to do. I didn’t feel like doing what He wanted. I hurt the Holy Spirit and He cried out that I was grieving Him. This made me come to my senses enough to surrender to Him, but my heart wasn’t in it.

Well, in the fourth month, my depression began to clear up. My relationships improved and the criticisms stopped. Harmony returned and hope surged. The desire for food and my favorite activities returned. I tackled the huge mess and slowly cleaned it up. I had come out of an emotional winter that can happen to the best of us. My thoughts turned happier; I began to think positively and look forward to the future and God’s awesome promises. The sadness went away, and I was healed!

He Who Made the Heart Can Heal it

What were the game changers? Well, receiving healing for my hurts made a difference. Plus, I found a motivational speaker on YouTube, listened heartily to his messages, and felt greatly encouraged. Walking long walks at nature preserves was healing to my mind as I poured out my soul to God, breathed in the fresh air, and savored the beauty of the woods. Going to the beach helped to calm my nerves and brightened my outlook. My therapist helped alter my perspective which improved how I felt about myself. I also joined a new church and met some caring people who touched my heart with their kindness. Instead of criticisms, there were compliments from others and those kind words cheered me up.

Psalm 30:11 Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;

Reaching out to God was the difference maker because it was His working in my life to minister healing through his servants, positive people, nature, therapy, and a change of environment that turned my sadness back to happiness. Seeking therapy and encouraging messages made a difference as well.

He cares so much, and He is ever ready to minister and heal our depression if we just turn to Him for help. Depression does not have to last long-term; our God can bring us out of it.  I know now what to do if depression returns, and I know God will come through like He did this time. There’s nothing too hard for Him; all He asks is that we trust in Him and take little actions to improve our moods, outlook, and environment when depression hurts. Taking medication is a personal decision; I opted out of it because I trusted that God would heal me. And He did!