My Deepest Struggles with OCD

I didn’t know I had any struggles with OCD until COVID hit. In March 2020, I began to hear of the horrors of COVID, and I took action. I purchased many face masks and vinyl disposable gloves, never leaving the house without a mask and my gloves on. When I came in from the store, I would wash not only my hands but my arms too, and any body part that touched something with germs on it.  When I went to doctor’s appointments, I would wear gloves and a mask. My doctor would offer to give me new gloves because mine were soiled. When I came home, I would strip, shower, scrub my body with a sponge and body wash, and wash my clothes with the next load.

Then I began to wash my hands every time I drove my car, for there were germs on the steering wheel. I had never noticed how many times I actually washed my hands in a day, but in winter I noticed my hands were dry and peeling from so many washes, so I made use of hand cream. I continued with my struggles with OCD.

Everybody Could See it…Except me

Even when going to home Bible study groups I wore gloves and tried not to use the bathroom. The pastor of my old church was fond of making his congregation break up into small groups, hold hands, and pray. I followed his direction during COVID; the man I held hands with was sick and I got a cold. From that time on I went to church with gloves on.

Psalm 91:5-7 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

6: Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

7: A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

Seeing my mother be so brave made me braver. I did away with face masks a year ago.

Finally, after four years, I got the courage to do away with the gloves.

Now when I shop, I still thoroughly wipe the cart with cart wipes and sometimes even wipe my hands with them. After coming home from the store with my groceries, I wash my hands, put away the food, and rewash them. My nerves are high-strung when I go out, so I try to push the anxious thoughts out of my mind. I’m most anxious when I have to open doors in public that other people have been opening all day; I still refuse to touch a gas pump with my bare hands.

I know OCD can be motivated by a fear of germs. It stresses me out when a person sneezes or coughs near me; I even hold my breath at times.  Even though I try to reassure myself, my mind is no less tense. At times I can’t remember if I washed my hands, so I rewash them. I panic when I go to prepare food and my hands are not washed. I refuse to wash them in the kitchen sink unless I just finished cooking. No cross-contamination is allowed.

Bravery is a Choice

Exodus 15:26 And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the Lord thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the Lord that healeth thee.

I have learned that to manage struggles with OCD, little by little you must take steps to be brave.  Trying to convince yourself you don’t have to be afraid of the germs is a stressful fight. Yet, it’s doable. And when I am most afraid, God reassures me that He is with me, and He will fight for me.  I’m so grateful for Him.